And I’ve just come to ‘accept’ it 7 years after my diagnosis…
Hiya Reautifuls! Sorry for the silence on my blog but I have been dealing with a couple of things. Keep reading to know more about this and to understand it.
There was a story about someone with Aspergers (a mild form of the Autism Spectrum) in the newspaper yesterday. Someone commented on it, saying/asking: is Autism the ‘new’ ADHD in 2017, because suddenly everyone has Autism?!
That made me think.. I have Aspergers, I’ve always had it but because it was so ‘uncommon’ for girls to be ‘Autistic’ back in the day, a lot of women didn’t get diagnosed. Women usually get a diagnosis later in life, when they’re having mental issues or if they are not ‘behaving’ like ‘common’ people or just on accident. Usually when people think of someone on the Autism Spectrum they think of a little boy, sitting in a corner not being able to speak. If I tell people I have Asperger’s Syndrome 9/10 people tell me I don’t ‘look’ Autistic. Then tell me, what or how does ‘Autistic’ look to you?
Throughout the years I’ve worked so, so hard to become ‘normal’. Not to be the awkward one, or the crazy one. Sometimes even the dumb one. I grew tired of those labels.
C R A Z Y. A W K W A R D. D U M B. S T U P I D.
So I decided to become a normal 25-year old female adult. And it cost me all of the energy I had. I feel drained. I’m tired.
I always thought I didn’t have any ‘issues’ with understanding people their emotions, intentions and being able to deal with them or comfort them when they need it the most (for example: giving a hug and asking them why they’re crying instead of tapping someone on the back telling them it’s going to be alright). This week I’ve found out more about myself than I ever have, thinking I know myself so well. Well that didn’t work, did it? It actually hurts to finally understand that I am less understanding and comforting than I thought I was. That I have a different way of thinking, not being able to understand (most) jokes, being awkward at trying to be social, saying things I don’t mean (or not in a certain way), sometimes not being able to control what my body does, what I say versus what I think. Obsess over little things people say, thinking people hate me for what I am. The shouting and crying that little boy does what people call a meltdown? I have that too. Only I never show anyone anything, I never speak of it. I don’t shout. I cry, then overthink and then have a panic attack and cry even more. It’s called anxiety (and anxiety comes with a lot more than just panic attacks…).
It’s a smack in the face that I really -have- Aspergers and actually have quite a few Autistic traits too. To see myself through the eyes of how other people (might) see me. Learning so much about yourself in just one week really sucks. But, on the other hand; I know what I’m dealing with now and I can start working on myself, knowing what to change, or better said, adapt my actions to the things that are being said or done (and have the guts to ask for help when I need it or tell them when I don’t understand something..).
I’ve been shouting around about awareness and acceptance while I even hadn’t accepted it myself (still working on it anyways) and only told people about my Aspergers when I couldn’t do something!
You know what? Aspergers isn’t a disease. You can’t cure it and you shouldn’t even attempt trying it. Not even think about it. A C C E P T A N C E is the cure. Dealing with it will help. Maybe even seeing it as a gift because you’re actually able to see some things differently and in a good way.
This is my #1 resolution for 2017; accept, love more, initiative, being happier, being healthier, getting more social and ‘out’ there, work on my communication, losing old habits and fat (did I say fat? I meant feathers…) and getting this into the world. Share and write about Aspergers and show my creativity (with makeup, photography and paint) on my blog; YouTube channel, Instagram and so on.
That’s my dream and Walt Disney once said: If you can dream it, you can do it!