I have been listening a lot to Alan Watts lately and I’ve got one simple thing to say about this man… He’s so right about everything! His lectures really feed my soul and make me think about my life. Why wait until you’re 40 to say that you’re wise and have accomplished something, just because you’re getting old? Why wait enjoying your life to the fullest until you’re retired and then be too tired to do something anyway?
“If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you’ll spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid.”– Alan Watts
Source: Your Tango
Lately I have become to realise that we live exactly like the quote above. The meaning of life is just to be alive. We want too much and the quicker the better. We have no patience and we just keep on running towards, what others think is the meaning of life; perfection. We just run past ourselves and I, myself, run way past our health. Our health is screaming and it gets no rest. We just wear ourselves out to achieve the ‘perfectionism’ that we see everywhere. We NEED to be perfect, otherwise we haven’t achieved anything in life. Then suddenly you’re 40, you maybe have passed multiple jobs, heartaches, stress, pain and so on. Suddenly you realise you’ve achieved something, because you’re still here.
Maybe you’ve become rich, maybe you’ve become famous. Sadly, you can’t live without money in this world because you need money to survive. Alan Watts is right, though. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid. You just start living to work instead of working to live and enjoy the work you’re doing or enjoy the life you have next to your job. That is exactly what I’ve been doing the past year. I’ve been living to work. I stopped doing the things I love doing; make-up, going for a wander, randomly taking pictures with my camera, blogging without seeing it as a must or a second job, painting. I have forgotten the things that I love doing or suddenly don’t love doing them anymore, because I don’t take the time for myself to do them. I’ve been running around and way, way past the boundaries my body has given me. Everything needs to be perfect; my household, my body, my job, the things I say and do. It’s been exhausting me up to a point where I now have to admit that my body is giving up. It won’t hold these routines any longer than a few months if not less.
Some things do make us feel better, but I need to ask myself a couple of questions before I realise it doesn’t really make me feel happy or energised.
1. What does it take for you to be happy?
2. When is enough, enough?
3. How big does something have to be before you declare it good enough?
I have a very long road to go, but I do need to realise that enough is enough. The health issues I have been having the past couple of months need to stop, because they are scaring me. My body doesn’t take care of me, I need to take care of my body. Realising this is the first step, but changing the way I live is a whole other story. At the moment most things cost me more energy than it gives me energy. I realised this when I went for a wander last Wednesday. Going for a walk usually gives me so much good energy, but last week I had to lay down for at least an hour because I couldn’t stand on my feet anymore. I felt drained, my head felt like exploding and I couldn’t stop crying because I felt so tired. Suddenly my overfull head felt empty. I have this amazing neighbour who always keeps my parcels for me when I’m not at home. She told me I could just walk into her house and grab them whenever the door is open and I just suddenly started crying. This is not me. My ADHD does make me quite emotional sometimes, but it never has been like this before (and I’m certainly not pregnant). Sometimes it feels like an old tooth filling that is starting to crumble in all these tiny pieces and you cannot stop the process until you go to the dentist and get the filling replaced, except I can’t seem to find the dentist. People keep telling me I am the dentist, but when I look in the mirror I don’t see one (yet..). I guess I need to start off with doing more of what I love doing. I don’t know where to start yet, but by trying to put aside my perfectionism I might find it soon.
I started off with picking up my makeup brushes yesterday and just kept on creating.
Would you like to see more of these kind of ramblings? Please let me know! 🙂